WOW! Just about a whole YEAR later and I'm finally touching this blog again! I'm sooooo sorry! The whole point of this blog, is to get to the part about Salvation to this poor ol beggar!
So here I continue.....
I last ended with memories of my Grandma (heart)! She was the only one in my life who could reach the heart of this lil native girl who was going through sooo much trauma (though I had no clue...doesn't mean it's not there). Yes, there were others who were nice to me and who I liked and who were special in some ways to me, BUT!! NONE like my Grandma! :) Amazing how grandma's can do that!
So after that part of my life, being sent to grandma's sometimes.....so much is blurred, as far as the timeline. Basically it was like around when I was 7 ( I think) that Daddy was sent to jail. So sad really, that he did this to himself. A life without Christ within! I still pray for Daddy. He needs Christ Saviour. Just like anyone else who hasn't trusted in Jesus' FINISHED work on the Cross.
Ok, just some thoughts about Daddy going to jail. One thing that I'm very thankful for, is that though my Daddy ended up doing this, the father part of him, truly has always loved his children. He's always loved being a Daddy. I've always known that. Without Jesus Christ as your Guide and without the Holy Spirit to convict your heart, anyone is capable of anything!
So here's an example of what I mean about him. I remember when he was gone (what seemed all of a sudden to me. Seemed like he just wasn't there anymore. Almost like one day he went to work, and didn't come home that evening before dinner). But, even though he was gone, seems like there were a few or maybe even several phone calls from him. And they were so reassuring (I had no clue just how reassuring until now. As a child, I just wanted to hear his voice. No matter what the words or what the words meant). He was extremely selfless. He was truly sorry (as sorry as an unsaved human could be). He gave me constant words of assurance that nothing was my fault, and to never blame myself. This was continuous as I remember it.
Well, so there was Soldotna soon after all this. As I wrote about in one of these posts, Mother 2 remarried. We moved with Dad as a whole new family and tried the counseling sessions, to really no success.
Then began my years of trying things. It first began at the end of my second eighth grade year, that a boy asked me to be his girl. I told him I wasn't allowed to date. So he asked me to promise to be with him the next school year in high school. I promised. He put his necklace on me and left me with a kiss. I believe that began my desire for boy attention.
That summer I had my first 'baby love'. (he just passed away in the last month or so) I truly loved him, as much as a little girl can love a boy. We played basketball together, we played cops and robbers together, we sat together......we kissed (nothing more, but we wanted to).
There's a big message in here for those of us trying to raise our children liken to how Ellery and I are raising ours. Do you realize that I was emotionally married to this boy. When he flew back to Anchorage from the village, I cried aaaaaaaaallll night that night. My eyes were sooo swollen. I truly felt like my heart was breaking and being ripped out of my chest. That's a very dangerous place for youth. This is why we do not allow our children to even sit around and chat with the other gender. It used to be in the beginning of our country, that a girl would blush if a boy looked in her DIRECTION! Let alone, they be 'child-hood playmates' who finallly one day married. There's a bunch more, but that's just a piece to get you thinking more about.
So after that summer, I began to be hooked on this boy-friend thing. Thus began a shameful next several years, of boys, promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and parties. It was a sad sad time. I found myself to be a vessel that ships docked at for only enough time to fill up their own goods and pull out!
It was a life of a smile on my face, but NOT on my heart. I was searching and seeking for........for what!!????.........I didn't even know. So I just kept doing what my flesh desired.
My family was very faithful to church (the Russian Orthodox church). We went EVERY Sunday and even times other than Sunday. Like we'd even go to Saturday confession. That's where I had spiritual questions. I had no idea they were spiritual. I thought they were rebellious. Too often I was told I was rebellious.
So I remember some questions that I had, were with one of my cousins. We knew there were some many things we didn't confess to the priest. And the reason we didn't, was because our families were very close to the priest. They were all friends. We thought that he would tell our parents (out of a concern for us). We'd rather ANYTHING than our parents know some of the things we did.
Well, so we lay there late at night, huddled on the couch, wondering what that meant. We figured that that meant we were going to Hell (because of unconfessed sin). I promise you, WOW did we CRY!!!! It was real crying and it was very serious! If at that moment, someone explained the True Gospel to us, we would have gotten saved right then! We were truly repentant. But see, it doesn't take just repentance to be saved. It takes the truth, from the Word of God, and the heart (how does it take the heart, but that of conviction from the Holy Spirit), and repentance. Just as Cain's (in Genesis) sacrifice was not the right sacrifice to God, so is man's means of Salvation are incorrect. You must find Salvation from the written Word of God.
"So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." Romans 10:17
We lay there crying and talking about Hell and what it was going to be like. I personally suggested that maybe we would burn so much, that we would eventually become numb! We cried even more, only to no peace. We were able to fall asleep somehow. Probably to tears and crying our selves to sleep like babies not getting their way.
It wasn't til a long time even after those episodes, that I truly heard of Jesus' Gospel.
This is going to have to be a stopping point for right now. I'm getting tired. Prayerfully, it will NOT be a year til I write some more. I cannot wait to get to the part of meeting Jesus! Thank you for reading.
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