To begin at the very beginning.

To the past we go.  The above isn't a picture of my family.  But I just thought it was fitting to head into the past with.  I've been asked to give my testimony before.  And in the last several months, I was asked again.  I have hesitated for this reason.  I have a lot of people in my past.  I know, you're probably thinking, "Don't we all?".  Yes, I realize that.  What I'm trying to say, is that there are a lot of people in my past who have wronged me at some point in my life.  Sadly, they are pretty much all my family, or well, the family I was adopted into.  I imagine if any of my family are to read this, they could think,"I can't believe Elsie is publishing this stuff all over the web!!"...The thing is, is that probably most of them are not understood of what a testimony of a saved person can do for other saved folk, or for someone who's been given the Gospel to, and is almost ready to be saved. 

I don't desire to hurt anyone.  But my life can really be a benefit for eternity, by the Grace of God.  It's what Christ Jesus has done in this little village girls life.  And someone can be moved for Christ in knowing this testimony of what He's done for me.  And to be honest, who knows, maybe most of my family doesn't know (and actually, I know this to be true) what's gone on in my life, and maybe it could even lead one of them to the Saviour!! 

So I say all that to begin with my testimony.  I pray it moves you to look to Jesus.  I pray that you will be edified to serve Him with your ALL. 

It all begins with a 2-3 year old Baby Elsie.  From my pictures, that a loving mommy took of me, I was very very loved and cute.  Wispy lil brown baby hair that tickled at my shoulders.  One of my favorite pictures is of me in my lil white jammies, and I'm bugging my Daddy's feet.  Maybe trying to tickle them.

My Daddy was a State Trooper here in Alaska.  He was assigned to the village of Tyonek (where my people are from).  That's where we lived at that time.  My mother looked very young.  She had to have been somewhere, I guess, from the ages 17-19.  That's a guess.  She was a delicate and special lady.  She seems to have been sweet.  I'm told she was cute and kind.  She used to like to drive a truck around the village, with me as passenger. 

She also sounds like she loved my daddy with a passionate love.  She missed him very much when he had to fly to Anchorage (across the Cook Inlet from Tyonek) for meetings.  She really just plain didn't like it.  From what I understand too, it doesn't sound like she trusted him to be that far away.  I believe too, that he may not have given her much to trust in.  This dear young women in love with her man.  It gives me chills to think of her hurt. 

Well, from what I'm told, he had another trip to take, and again, she begged to go with him.  She promised she would not be in the way.  But again, the disappointment ached, her of being turned away.  Oh the sting and fire! 

Well, as you know, him being a Trooper, he'd have guns around.  Yes, the worst that can be imagined, she killed herself.  My poor Grandma always believed that somehow the gun just went off.  Because she didn't want dear sweet June (I don't mind actually putting her name.  In a way honouring her, but other's, I will try to give them other names for some privacy) to be buried outside (as the religion Russian Orthodox would do to one who commits suicide) the graveyard.  My Grandma was very influential in the village and amoung the church, so I'm wondering if she just had the power to keep that from happening.  I truly cannot say.  Most of the past of when I was 4-5 years old and under are stories that have been passed to me and that I've had to disiphere (spelling???).  So please bear with me.  

Well, I'm also of the understanding, that my new mother had babysat me before my very own mother passed away.  Well, she became my new mother, my father's new bride.  For me, that's where a lot began.  Probably where a lot began with my father too.  I don't try to excuse anything that you will read, but really, in life, sometimes reasoning helps out the mind.  I've given a lot of people in my life the 'benefit of the doubt'. 

So what happened in the next few years is VERY foggy for me.  A lot of it that my brain and memory has worked hard at voiding and blocking out. 

From my new mother (who I will call mother 2), I recieved a whole lot of abuse from.  From a very young age (probably around age 2-3), there were angry faces, yelling, dragged across rooms by my hair, smacked faces, bloody nose and mouth, clonking on the top of my head with her knuckles...all that at this young time in my life.  And probably some more.  This was all pretty regular up til around age 9 or 10.  Remember, ages are going to be EXTREMELY hard for me.  I don't go around to my family asking, "So when you did this to me, how old was I?", and thus on.

Well, I had always (as an adult) given the benefit of the doubt for mother 2.  I tried to understand what she had gone through, and what she may've been going through at that time in her life.  She has a past too, even before I was born.  I tried to understand what she may've gone through when she was a child.  I tried everything.

Then not long after she began her abuse, the even more fuzzy days and nights began with my dear daddy.  Now, at that time, he just buried a wife (I belive my mother was wife #2), and he's got the stress still of the life of a Trooper, and a new marriage, and shall I go on?!  Now I've also been told by he himself, that his marriage to mother 2, was very hurtful.  She got him in, and then once married, sounds like she denied him a very important part of marriage.  There are other details that I won't go into about thier marriage.  But as for me, molesting began.

I don't know exactly how many nights.  But it was through the night.  I have very vivid memories of those fearful, and dreadful nights.  I was fighting for my very sanity and reasoning at a little age of 4 or 5 years old.  As an adult now, I've had a dreadful time of depression and Post Trauma.  And Christian, don't dare try to preach to me that well, "Christians aren't suppose to be depressed." " Christians don't get depressed"., "Well, if you look to Jesus enough, you won't get depressed".  And I say to you, have you ever fought for your own life at ages 4-17 years old??  You will understand as I get into more.  I'm just throwing that out right now and will go into more detail about it later.

So as I was saying, that as an adult, I've actually heard my own voice and thoughts of a 4 or 5 year old little girl struggling.  Here are some.  And I do warn you, that much of my testimony may be too hard for you.  But I tell you this, it all truly happened.  This is me.  Some of the voices of thoughts, "No Daddy no." "Please don't.  You don't have to do it." "Oh why Daddy?!" "Maybe if I shrink he won't see me."

Now, I was on the top bunk of our bunk bed.  My lil sister (who is 3 years younger than I.  She is mother 2's first child, first daughter) was on the bottom bunk, or maybe even the baby crib.  I can't remember exactly.  So the bunk had a space of about 4 inches between the mattress and the wall.  I thought I could (and I even tried) squish myself into that space so that he wouldn't find me.  I was so dissapointed in my daddy.  Even though I didn't understand what was going on, and what he was doing to me, I had that gutt feeling that something was very very wrong.  He would take me to the couch and sit there to molest me.  This couch was on the very wall that mother 2's head was nearly up against as she slept.  How disgusting!!  Sure, you'll read me have much heart for my family who were/are trapped in sin, but that doesn't mean that I agree with it, or even tolerate it.

So I have no idea exactly how long this went on.  I just know that it was many nights.  I don't know if it was able to go on for months or weeks.  I do know days (of course in this case nights).  Around the same time, my big brother (my daddy's first born, and oldest son, from #1 marriage) would come to the bush (Beluga was the name.  It's within four-wheeler or snow machine drive from Tyonek) to stay for summers and/or various other times.

One summer around the same time my daddy was abusing me, mother 2 and daddy would leave me with big brother while they went out.  Where they went I don't know.  Errands, dates with eachother, ????  No clue.  Well, a few times (2-3 maybe ??  maybe more ???) my big brother raped me.  This is still at the very young age of somewhere in 4-6 age.  He actually raped me.  It was traumatic.  That's an understatement for sure.  I haven't the words to describe a more understanding of how horrible that was.  So I'll leave it at that.

Well, it was pretty surprising in some while later to get visits from strangers and authorities asking me questions with mother 2 near.  It was all so awkward and wierd for me.  I learned later on in life that it was a dear dear friend who over heard me talking to my cousin at school.  She didn't like what she heard and so she acted on it.  And that's how all the strangers in my life began.  I'm also told that there were some very depressing poems and art that I produced.  Look for signs parents!!

I know this is probably a lot of negative and overwhelming.  And it can somewhat seem untrue.  It all is true though.  Somewhere at this time or more possibly, before my daddy was reported, there were others who intruded themselves on my purity and childhood.  There was another brother and sister (from another family in the village) who would touch me and rub themselves on me and more I don't feel to express here.  When he died, there was a guilty sense of relief I felt.  It was a closing for me.  She has tried to contact me as of lately, and oh how hard it is to have that all introduced back into my life.   My dear husband made it very clear that she is not to do so.  He's such a loving husband trying to take care of me. 

In all this, there were 2 other brother and sister born at sometime (before my daddy went to jail).  Then when my daddy went to jail, mother 2's sister came to live with us and help with the burdens of mother 2 becoming a single mother of 4.  Her sister already had 2 children.  So it was 2 ladies and 6 children.  Well, during that time, there were some things that happened that is pretty understandable.  There was parties in our home.  There seemed to be a lot.  We children would wake up in the morning to giggle at, "How many beer cans there were this time!!!".  I seem to have taken lots of care of my siblings and cousins.  I may be remembering that wrong, but I don't think so.  I seem to remember making Kool-Aid quite a bit and PB&J's.  I don't have anything against all that.  What I remember that hurt, was the fact that both these overworked and emotionally burdended women sure took a lot out on us 6 children.  There were still many words of anger and get out of my hair attitudes in my life, but only now, it was from 2 adults.  I don't want to sound pitiful though.  This was a pretty general attitude in the home, because of the stressful circumstances.  But now, like I said, all this happened almost understandably.  So I won't go into it too much of that time.  There were many times of these two watching soap operas and requesting more otter pops, and demanding the cleaning of our bedroom.  They did not have Jesus in thier hearts to get them through this time in thier lives.  It was all very hard. 

Well, mother 2 then at some point from my age of somewhere from 7-9 met my dad.  Oh how we loved this new man in mother 2's life.  He wore sunglasses!!!  We thought he was soo cool.  What stole our HEARTS away for this man, was that he brought us some REAL and FRESH milk on his four-wheeler!!!  WOW! 

Living in the bush, we were a bush plane flight of half an hour or so, from a grocery store.  So we had to fly in once a month or so to buy a month's worth of food.  But it was mainly non-perishable food.  So I learned to LOVE vienna sausages, corned beef hash from the can, and so on and so on.  We lived on dry milk too.  So that should give you more of an understanding of why we were sooo impressed with dad. 

Okay, so then dad and mother 2 decided to move us all away from there.  We moved to Soldotna.  It's about a 3 hour drive from Anchorage. 

And well, you know I think that's a decent place to stop for now.  I have my children to tend to.  I will continue this as soon as possible. 

I love my Lord, he's done so much for this little girl!  If you have any questions I will answer them to the best of my ability.  I don't mind them.  Thanks.