Testimony~Part 2

Well, I have some time right now to devote to writing.  I have been pretty amazed at all that is coming to memory.  It's certainly been a while, a long while, since I purposely devoted my memory to my past.  To hear fresh voices again, and to smell smells that seem to take me back very far.  When you can smell the sap of an Alaskan tree again, sitting at your computer indoors, or smell the sticky jam on a countertop, and vivdly remember the little blue container that it sat in.  I always facinated at how cute the little white carry handle was on that container.  We seem to have chosen that brand with that container quite a bit.  I may remember a smucker's jar too. 

When you can smell the paint from your sweaty cheeks and hot tears standing in the corner.  Mother 2 often forgot me there.  "Lil sis, can you go ask her if I can get out now?"...."Ok"....The taste of blood on that lip that swelled up.  Oh how quiet it can be when you're sent to your bed and you're sitting there feeling sorry for yourself.  I'm not saying that I feel sorry for the punishments I recieved.  Please don't get me wrong.  It would surely do more kids good to get a swift kick to their rears.  A good ol fashioned lickin.  But what was going on, is that this lil bush-baby needed some ministering to.  But guess what, all was not in vain.  Because at the end of it all, for this little girl, the Lord saved her at age 19!!!  Glory.  But I'll get to that later.  I just wanted to point out that this is not just a pathetic story to get you down or to feel sorry for me.  It's a story of the sufferings of one girl, and the AMAZING transformation God-Almighty did for her, and to her!!  All Glory to my Father. 

Okay, well, we ended with mother 2 meeting a new man, and them both moving these children to Soldotna last time.  And at some time before all this and/or during all this, aunty with her 2 children ended up moving out too.  For aunty met a great man!  They are still married!!! 

Well, the next coming years were not any easier than my very young years.  I began middle school in Soldotna.  Mind you, I had just come from only knowing a one-room schoolhouse in the bush to a school with hundreds of children.  We had many classes to attend, and there was soooo much to get used to.  My family chose, not long after moving into our new home, to take in another little girl.  That stung all us children.  We were already having SOOO much to get used to and adjusted to.  We voiced our opinions the best we could about our hurt and dissapointment in the decision.  There was, in my opinion, no wisdom in this decision, and no proper consideration for the 4 of us children.  This little girl they took in was coming from a problem home (filled with drugs and alcohol), so MUCH of mother 2 and dad's attention went to her. 

It was a very hard new school year for me.  Soldotna is a cute little town where everybody (or most everybody) has known eachother since very small childhood.  You know, Dr. so and so and Teacher so and so's children went to eachother's kindergarten birthday's.  I was the new kid on the block at the wrong place and the wrong time.  It wasn't as hard for my siblings, because they were still young enough.  I think my younger sister started out in like 3rd or 4th grade, and baby sister was like 1st grade and brother was kindergarten.  So you see. 

Well, early into this first year of school, somehow I ended up in special counseling sessions.  That immediately put me in a certain group of peers.  Other uppity-ups wanted nothing to do with me.  I began showing problem behaviour.  I was lying, stealing and crying.  I couldn't focus on my schoolwork.  I have NO idea how I made it through the next 6 years of school.  I got held back for 8th grade.  That also put me in more criticism with my peers.  It was humiliating. 

I remember going to counseling sessions with my mother 2 and dad.  I didn't want to talk.  They were having a hard time to figure out what to do.  There weren't reaches of bonds anywhere else though (at home for instance).  They relied on these counselors to 'fix' me. 

My dad did begin to reach out to me.  I remember some of the first feelings of not just thinking this guy is so cool, but looking up to him.  I also remembering thinking he was pretty wierd that he would so often try to put his arm around me or hug me.  That was the effects from being raped and molested so much.  I tried to appreciate it.  There was an instinct in me that felt his touches were ok and nothing to be ashamed of. 

I'd also like to add in here somewhere, might as well be now, that my grandma was a HUGE and WONDERFUL role in my life.  I think I could blog the next half a dozen blogs on my grandma.  I'm one of her namesakes.  I'm very pleased with that and take GREAT joy in that. 

Beginning when I was very young (still in the bush sometime), my daddy and mother 2 would get me to grandma's house for the summer's.  I think like a couple of weeks a summer.  Oh how I loved my grandma's house.  I could've sworn her home was a piece of heaven.  Oh I loved my grandma.  I'm sorry she didn't get to meet all my children.  She did get to meet Ellery once before she passed away. 

My memories of her are some of my DEARESTED DEARESTED.  I remember when she would sing.  Oh how she could sing.  I grew up Russian Orthodox.  And in Russian Orthodox (which is what grandma was too), they sang in Slovonic (spelling??).  It's a sort of Russian I believe.  Well, it would usually be evening, and she just finished the dishes.  Her counters were that 1950's or '60's white with sparkles in it.  I'd hop up on her counter.  She pull out her wine and wine cup.  She'd fill half water and half wine.  I think she was trying to deal with her cancer ???  I really don't know. 

So she'd stand there and talk with me some.  We'd look out her kitchen window at her sink.  Her backyard was ALWAYS landscaped sooo beautifully.  Grandma loved flowers.  I loved to look way up her big choke-cherry tree.  There at her window, with her cigarette smoke just giving it's smoke while she began to sip at her wine, she'd begin to sing!!  Oh the grand voice she had.  It would give me tickles in my spine when she'd reach certain notes.  In slovonic, there are magnificient highs and amazing lows. 

Another time when it was night.  She had a drunk man that came to the door that she had to shoo away.  Well I was too scared to go to bed, so she invited me to her room to sit on her bed.  There she began to sing to me 'Puff the magic Dragon'. Oh grandma, how I do miss you so.  Oh what I'd give that she could sing to my little ones!! 

Grandma had a pride for me that NOONE else did.  Nobody loved me like my grandma did.  She was my ONLY one in life I could trust in at that point.  I loved how she'd buy me my own special toothpaste and any couple of boxes of cereal.  I remember choosing Apple-Jacks once.  I couldn't believe I was eating Apple-Jacks.  Of course, with raising so many little ones, daddy and mother 2 couldn't afford special choices of cereal.  Well, I never knew that.  I only focused on the special treatment grandma gave me and cherished EVERY moment. 

Well, some reason, my brain and memory are hitting a blank wall spot.  I don't know what else to write.  So I think I ought to go to gather some more memory and thoughts.  I'm so sorry.  I don't want to leave you hanging.  I don't know why this is happening.  Thank you for reading so far.  Signing off for now, Elsie